What Kind of Artist Are You?

Haha....I made myself answere (and believe the answeres) that got me to graphic designer. Win!

VIA oneplusinfinity

Ten Years.

Alot has changed in 10 years....and since I literally came into grown-upness within the past decade, I can really appreciate this list. Yep,yet another list for the new year. 

Check, check, check it out.

VIA blameitonthevoices

10 Things I Have Learned.

1. You can only work for people you like

2. If you have a choice, never have a job

3. Some people are toxic, avoid them

4. The Good is the enemy of the Great

5. Less is not necessarily more

6. Style is not to be trusted

7. How you live changes your brain

8. Doubt is better than certainty “One of the signs of a damaged ego is absolute certainty”

9. It doesn’t matter

10. Tell the truth

from designer, Milton Glaser

Word. Number 8 is an absolute truth. 

VIA kmba

Cartoon/Smartoon: The Divine 69.

What do all of these cartoon ladies have in common you may ask? They are ALL hot. Before I continue, let me relay a little "boy/man fact"(I might loose my man card for this). At a very young age, all boys start "liking" girls before they actually like girls. I'm talking like....before we start spreading cooties and pulling ponytails young. And where did we look....cartoons. The funny part, is that those boys-now men never really grow out of it. We remember all of our childhood animated hotties from our past, we accrue those of the present and they effect how we live our life...the girls we date/marry, the drinks we buy etc. This is not something I made up, this is a fact.

I'm a lazy bastard,  but Joker over at WAS put together a list....yes a list of the top 69 cartoon hotties. Joker is a writer, so he really gets into it. He made the claim that "our [men] dicks are mightier than our logic," but I don't think there is anything illogical about a Rogue-Princess Jasmin-Street Fighter Cammy, threesome.

69-60

59-50

49-40

39-30

29-21

20-11

10-1

Awesomeness!

VIA WAS

Things People Our Age Think About.

You know when you have those random thoughts. But you don't say them outloud, because you don't want people to think less of you as a human being? Yeah....that's what this post is about. Below is a list of those thoughts. Ironically, I stole this from a blog called thebrownshaun, which kinda confuses me because all my life I have been the brown Shaun. (<---random thought)

1-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6-That’s enough, Nickelback.
7-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it. (I felt this way with Ghostbusters 2 recently).
13-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. 

16-Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

17- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

.........

I have highlighted my favorites. And about nintendo, blowing got the dust off...everyone knows that. See the full list here...

VIA levitaste

Mo, Better Design.

AN INCOMPLETE MANIFESTO FOR GROWTH

Written in 1998, the Incomplete Manifesto is an articulation of statements exemplifying Bruce Mau’s beliefs, strategies and motivations. 

1. Allow events to change you.
You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

2.Forget about good.
Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you'll never have real growth.

3. Process is more important than outcome.
When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we've already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.

4. Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child).
Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

5. Go deep.
The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.

6.Capture accidents.
The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.

7.Study.
A studio is a place of study. Use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. Everyone will benefit.

8.Drift.
Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.

9.Begin anywhere.
John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.

10.Everyone is a leader.
Growth happens. Whenever it does, allow it to emerge. Learn to follow when it makes sense. Let anyone lead.

11.Harvest ideas.

Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.

12.Keep moving.
The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice.

more....

The Linkdown.

1. The Perfect Guiness Pour. 

2. Miami is the fattest city in the US. And that doesn't make sense...with all the bikinis and what not.

3.Real World "star", crawling around naked on ice to save a dog. I knew there was a reason I gave up my hopes of getting on that show.

4. Come on, how can everyone (especially the Irish) not like the Obama clan? 

5. When is throwing a live animal at a person funny? When its a Project Runway contestant.

6.Top 10 P*ssy Boasts in Rap.

7. No worries...the Pope actually DID MEAN IT, when he said that condoms were a bad idea in Africa. Phewww...

8. No way....they broke up? 

9. White Man Can Jump...and flip too!

The Linkdown.

1. Obama sushi. Now that's some delicious change!

2. F*ck, now there's 14 sins I need to look out for. Way to keep up with the times Vatican.

3. Oprah is a hottie (*good-bad photoshop*).

4. More toilet quandaries from WAS.

5. When you love skittles as much as I do. Get Drunk off the Rainbow.

6. A Barbie Fashion Show in 2009. Im diggin the concept.

7. I kinda refuse to post another Kanye voice synthesizer video. But see it here. The song sucks...which doesn't help any.

7 Sacraments: The Linkdown.

1. Meet Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Cosby.

2. Palin just wont go away. Her and Ice Cold Couric should have a steel cage match. "Cause Katie...you aren't the center of the Universe." Meow...Cat fight.

3. There are certain things a mom just shouldn't know about their kids (especially a decade after their death). 

4.  Remember that Panda that is on When Animals Attack? Well...he is still attacking. But interestingly enough people aren't learning a lesson. Dont hug the f*ckin bear!

5. Ever wonder what a dildo with a cigarette looks like?

6. Youtube commentors are douchbags. If you are one...this is what you sound like. Douchbag. 

7. Coolio sorta had an orgy at the age of 12. Wait...why is he on Big Brother UK? Wait...is that Latoya Jackson?  

Enjoy!

7 Things About Me.

I’ve been tagged by Jane from Dear Jane Sample to reveal 7 things about myself and in turn tag 7 more people to do the same. I saw this circling around other blogs and I hoped that I would not have to partake for 2 reasons: 1.) As this is not a myspace posting....I stopped trying to be too personal on this blog some time ago for fear of boring people to death  2.) I'm pretty sure my daily rant and raves have left little to no secrets about me to be conveyed. I am not all that interesting of a person (I just play one on the Internet). 

Yet...I accept this challenge. 

1.) I have an incredible love for the movie Mary Poppins. Like an undying, always entertained, I will fight you love. 

2.) I kid you not...the Beijing Olympics of 2009 was the most fun I have had watching TV in my entire life. I literally lived for them (as you could tell by my blog back in the summer). But my blog was literally only 20% of the fanaticism. What you don't know is that I planned my life around the Olympics. I found PCs (NBC is not mac compatible) at my office or left the office aimed for the local bar and watched events during the work day. I wrote down notes for things to blog about (I am normally not that organized). I downloaded a widgets and followed Japanese websites. I hate Michael Phelps and was obsessed with the Gymnastics portions of the games-- literally my soaps. I have a weird semi-celeb addictions and the games fed it like a fat kid at a cake factory. I will stop here...before I embarrass myself. 

3.) I don't say half of the things that run through my mind...for fear of freaking people out. And most of the thoughts are just obscenely ridiculous. 

4.) I am Bermudian.

5.) There are only two things that make me nauseous in the entire world: 1. Cabbage-the small and taste and 2. Broken bones (seeing the break happen or the direct after effect of the break). I can handle anything else. 

6.) I have a horrible addiction to zip up hoodies/sweaters. I will and can always buy one if given the option. I usually have to talk myself out of it. But as a present...it will always be in (in my book).

7.) I didn't always want to be an art director. As a kid, I wanted to be a farmer. Then I wanted to be a professional tennis player (I was and am really into tennis). In middle school I wanted to be an Architect, but Trig/Log/Calc in highschool killed that idea. I went to college thinking I wanted to go into Advertising, but I did not know what field. I originally thought I would go into account because (at the time), I was a great writer and I thought I could still use my creativity and the job would still be stable. After my first internship in the traffic department of a small Boston agency I realized I wanted to be a creative but never really committed until my final year in undergrad. I had a real fear of the lack of diversity (especially in the creative department) and honestly...my parents supported me and told me to go for my dream (even though they had no clue what that dream was or consisted of). So, I can thank the rents for where I am today, but it all started with wanting to own some cows and a few chickens- an aspiration I kinda still hope to accomplish. 

OK...now its my turn to pick 7. Although Jane took alot of the people I would've picked, I will do my best to keep this ball rolling. BTW The following people were chosen on a loose scale of  writing ability, availability, knowability and the reality that they will actually do this.

Ericka at Socialedisturbed

A at Bella on a Budget (perhaps this will start her blog...after she puts up my header)

Cas at Steel Closet

Tim at oneplusinfinity

Risk Continuum at Urban Prestige

Maya at Smart Aches

Catcher In the Rye

 THE RULES:
* Link to your original tagger(s) and list these rules in your post.
* Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
* Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
* Let them know they’ve been tagged

Damn...I need a cigarette after all that typing. Cheers!

10 Bathroom Rules for Men.

Joker over at WAS recently wrote a post titled 10 rules all men should follow when using the toilet. This is a topic that weighs heavily on my soul, especially within the work place. I think women around the world would faint if they knew the hedonistic discrepancies that occur regularly in the men's bathroom.  Though, my new job's bathroom layout alleviates much worry, Joker pretty much sums up exactly what all men over 25 should know and follow on a daily basis. This post is for Joe Coworker, who never washes his hands after he pees...you should be locked up and convicted. Word is born (throwback expression...2 points for me).  

1. Greetings should be limited to non physical acknowledgments. Who the hell wants cock, piss, ass or shit germs on ANY part of their bodies just to be nice and show you care. If you really care, wave or give me the Demolition Man greeting so you can keep your germies to yourself fucker. This applies to recently exited people from the bathroom where no less than three minutes must pass before offering a fraternal and physical greeting to a fellow human being.

OMG. the day someone pats me on the shoulder in the bathroom will be the day I lose a job.

2. Moaning is for porn, contain yourself. Though we invite you to relieve yourself, I don't need to be nauseated by some blowjob moan coming from my left.

There is nothing worse than hearing the vocal abilities of someone right next to you on the stall. Especially when you know who it is from their shoes.

4. Phonecalls while you're peeing are ok but while you're shitting, we expect silence. I don't know what's more distrurbing, knowing someone is having a detailed conversation while having to snip a loaf before time, the fact that the person on the other line might or might not know this person is taking a crap, or the unyielding truth that courtesty flushes are totally ommitted since this person is obviously more engrossed in talking shit while taking one.

The courtesy flush is a must...

7. If there are several urinals and there is only one person peeing, you must leave one urinal in between your fellow pisser. If not, you are formally declaring that you are either gay or have had gay thoughts in the last 24 hours.

Lol, I think this rule gets a pass if you're drunk at a bar. You just have to keep the eyes aimed straight foward...and no talking if I don't know you!

8. Wash not only your hands, but your nails. I've had the displeasure of seeing people with nails that look like they came from a catfight with a Crunch bar. Seriously people, ew.

ALWAYS wash your hands...it doesn't matter what device you are using. You nasty SOB. I'll call the cops...I swear. 

There are just a few, click here for the rest. And I would like to formally thank Joker for confronting this horrid epidemic head on. You are my hero!

The Christmas List: The Linkdown.

1. Hot Chicks with Douchbags....some of you might want to check this site daily to make sure you're not featured (especially if you live on the LI). 

2. Cold War Unicorns....and 29 other gifts under $20, if you are still shopping....like me. 

3.  Everything is better with bacon.

4. 8 Things drunk people will never admit. 

5. 4 minute of the most hood thing you will ever see ever see in your life (insert Paul Wall). 

This is for you design heads.

50 Stunning Examples of great redesign.....interesting enough...

for the rest click the link quote below...

"A redesign can be worth its weight in gold if you get it right. There is a thin line between freshening up your design, and taking a step backwards with a redesign. Sometimes a redesign can be subtle and simple, and other times it can be a huge re-vamp of a company and it’s goals. Here’s a look at some of my favourite re-designs in no particular order."

via WAS

I told you so.

the fact that this was made proves what I have always said about cats. 

VIA oneplusinfinity

grown up rules.

King has apparently stepped into the 20th century and got hip to the game of the gentleman. One of their newest feature 50 Rules to Being a Gentleman. Now...while some of their readers may consider the word "gentleman" to be a loose translation for the hood slang "G"...they do a pretty nice job clarifying the subtle and the large differences. 

Here are a few of my favs:

49. “If you buy one pair of shoes and one suit per year, you’ll have a nice collection soon enough. It’s an investment. Also, know your measurements and sizes, because you might find a woman who wants to hook you up and get a suit made.”—Chris Mathis, 36, barber

This is something I need to get on top of. 

47. “Tone down the bagginess a bit without wandering into nut-hugger territory. Showing your ass and boxers is not appealing in any setting.”—Anslem Samuel, 31, magazine editor

Grown ups DO NOT wear baggy cloths. This...is a fact of life.

42. “The world is bigger than your hood and the places your favorite rappers represent. Try to travel to a place where your cell phone won’t work. That’s when you know you’ve actually gone somewhere. If you can’t afford to put your passport on pivot, try reading a book or travel guide about the place you’d like to visit.”—A. Samuel

Word up son (but really...if your black, dont go anywhere your cellphone doesn't work...you're just asking to be that black guy from the movies).

35. “There will come a time when you outgrow the dudes you grew up with. Have a beer with them once in a while, but it’s OK to move on and be friendly with new people.”—Adam Matthews, 36, journalist

This is so true. Life is about growing and adapting, but never forgetting who and what made you the way you are today (that's some mushy sh*t right). 

32. Look people in the eyes when you greet them and shake their hand.

28. “Memphis Bleek had one good line: ‘The strong move quiet, the weak start riots.’ Don’t be the guy who always needs attention on him or starts problems over small stuff.”—Mark Rooney, 31, salesman

The wise word of Memphis Bleak. We all know Jay wrote it for him.

21. If you initiate a dinner date or meeting, then you should expect to pay. That works both ways.

18. Unless your Fight Club membership is in danger of being revoked, walk away from altercations.

But sometimes.....

14. “Treat older women as if they were your own mother.”—C. Mathis

13. Always have a woman walk on the inside of the sidewalk and on the side of parked cars in a parking lot, basically using your body as a barrier from harm.

Someone told me this when I was a kid....and I try my best t adhere to it as an "adult." Don't feel foolish switching sides (but at least try to make it seamless). If a girl asks, just tell her "women are suppose to walk on the inside." I think they appreciate that you even care.  

11. If you’re trying to have a relationship, let the woman know. If you’re not, and you’re just trying to hit, let them know that, too.

1. “Young guys should pump their brakes. Don’t have kids until you’re 30, and look at her family and background to know what you’re getting into.”—C. Mathis

That's 30 years of age. Let's be serious...the divorce rate is through the roof for a reason. 

Read the rest here. 

You are welcome.

VIA steelcloset

great-full of life.

my good friend  (like in real life) Maya over at Smart Aches recently wrote a post that made me ponder.  In admitting  her love for Ted Kennedy via his speech at the DNC a few nights ago on the  verge of tears she was able to dig deep down inside and find appreciation for the life that she has lived so far...the things she's been lucky enough to see and experience- something I don't think we do enough of in our forward thinking culture. And this....made me my mind churn (well, that and she literally asked for her readers to list some of the defining and most appreciative times of their lives.

So I pose the same question to you....in her eloquent and potent words....

What part of our times are you grateful for?
What makes you think, "holy shit, I got to live through that. I get to be the old person that talks about that bad ass moment."

My list thus far includes:

1- Michael Jackson

Its scary to think that in a decade or two, the youth of the world will not know who Michael Jackson is. They will not know his creative genius or god given talent first hand. And I am proud to say that I lived though his ups and downs and would still sell my kidney for a ticket to one of his concerts..... 

2- Obama

this is a given. Whether he wins or not, the fact that the theoretical national term "equality" is for the first time living up to its "intended" merit makes me proud to be an American.

3- Darkwing Duck

this is a metaphor for all of the cartoons from the early 90s. They made kids wonder and imagine. And then they taught us a lessons. Forget the hidden puns, blatant stupidity and plots intertwined in deep-ness. This is a duck. He talks and fights crimes. Deal with it....

4- The Cosby Show

while I luv myself some Fresh Prince, Family Matters, The Nanny, Blossom, Clarissa Explains it All, Step by Step, Full House, Living Single etc, the cosby show is on an entirely different level. It is not of the present- there are no ridiculous Colin Farrell (the man child) moments or kooky Super Bad plots. The Cosby Show is a type of raw and intuitive funny that will last forever...and based on a single and real situation: Family. And that is some simplistic powerful groundwork of humor that no other show has since been able to re-create.

5- Goose Down Jackets

they were big. they were puffy. they were colorful. they were the late 90s. I picture myself as a old man talking to my non-twin grand kids "Back in the day we didn't have that gortex stuff...we had to walk around with real animal feathers in our jackets...it was a time of struggle." And they will look on me in awe. 

....I plan on having more.

(Maya...you post yours. And the rest of you...you have to be appreciative of something).

just a few (10) things.

1. New coke bottle design.  If they were metal I would be able to club people with them. Just a thought. Oh wait...they are.....

2. How you know that YOU are the man. Have a bday party and a bday guest list of the following:Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, Denzel Washington, Forest Whitaker, Leona Lewis, Kelly Preston, Joan Baez, Kim Cattrall, Oprah Winfrey, Pierce Brosnan, Naomi Campbell and Robert DeNiro. Im sorry....did you say Oprah?!? 

Damn, I cant even get my friends to come out on my bday.

3. What's better than midget sex? Celebrity midget sex tapes...thats what. Vern Troyer making out with a normal sized woman sounded like a a good idea to watch. Its actually kinda gross.

4. Larry King has no idea who anyone is (1:54). 

5."How did they get that monkey to do that?" 

6. Ms New York is still around. And tarnishing the reputations of dead people left and right.

7. New Old Spice ad reminds me of Harry Potter, the Chronicle of Narnia and every other multimillion dollar fantasy movie. The only thing it doesn't remind me of, is the need to buy Old Spice body wash/hair wash. Im not half horse half man Wieden Kennedy. And if I were...never mind- lets not go into it. 

8. So... Anne Hathaway's (???) ex boy friend got arrested for conspiracy of fraud and money laundering. Like so federal ish. But that in and of itself is boring as balls. The funny part is the following: He is accused of falsely telling an investor that he had been appointed as the chief financial officer of the Vatican.  

I mean...if someone told you face to face that they were the "chief financial officer of the Vatican" wouldn't you laugh in their face. Its a fact, GOD dont like ugly....but he may enjoy a little bit of hysterical genius.

9. Guy Richie directed spot makes football (soccer), a bit more interesting. In my opinion. 

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10. Ok....would you kill me if I didn't have a number 10? Im tired of typing and Im at work....so deal with it. 

Havent done this type of post in awhile...and now I see why. Tough to find 1o things I find interesting in one day. These will be few and far in between.

Narf. 

guy and gals.

Ready to test your manhood? Esquire has posted the 75 things that every man should know how to do list, and though I agree with some things like being able to jump start a car and take a good picture and being loyal, there are a few things on this list that I will never know how to do. Chop down a tree, nope sorry. Make a fire. Not interested. Dress a wound. Find his way out of the woods if lost.Yeah...these situations...I would never be in, in the first place. Im a city boy.

My favs.

-Approach a woman out of his league.

-Not monopolize the conversation.

- Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. I really can do the first one though I dislike baseball, the football on a good day, and I think I have a reliable shot.

Now that we have that list out of the way and my boys are still attached, Ive decided to make a 5 things/skill every woman should master. And not bitchin ladies...its only 5. While Im chopping down trees and hunting deer....you must do these with perfection:

1. Make perfect home made baked mac & cheese. What is the point of being a woman if you cant make these. And if you cant, at least be able to distract me with something else food related and ad delicious. Impossible.

2. Be able to go shopping with your man and have him leave the store looking sharp and feeling confident. This requires your ultimate opinion on what her looks good in and his feelings. AKA, if you are in a relationship...it is your job to make sure you man is up to speed. There are already 75 things, I need to do...I cant possibly worry about dressing myself as well. And...don't forget yo buy it for me....

3. Should be able to tie my tie. That means, in the morning... grab the tie by the reins...say something sexy which totally distracts me, and by the time I get my wits back...my tie is perfect and I am ready for work.

4. Should always look better than me. Its not my fault if we leave in the morning and I am looking more put together than you. Your a girl. The entire fashion world is on your side. You got dresses and makeup to cover your flaws. There really is no reason that a guy should look better than you. Stay in your range, if thats the case. But dont get out dressed.

5. She should be able to eat like a normal girl. Im not talking being a fatty. But how many salads can one person have. I expect a girl to be able to just have a burger and a knock back a few...or a lot of beers with me.

Thats it. 75 to 5.

the list, first round.

Recently, dream boat Ashton Kutcher wrote a column for Harper's Bazaar on his biggest turn-offs. And because you're dying to know, here they are:

Excessive perfume use: “If I can smell your perfume and we’re not making out, you’re wearing too much. More of a lot of things in life is better. Perfume does not apply.”
Big diamonds: “Women who wear big blingin’ stones don’t look like they have a lot of money; they look like they have a lot of someone else’s money. I don’t want my woman looking like she got bedazzled.”
Pantsuits: “I like seeing a female body as much as the next guy, but a midriff on display does not do it for me. By the same token, sexlessness is just that. I call it the Hillary Clinton Look. She would be so much more appealing if she just took off the pantsuit, took a lesson from Jackie Kennedy, and found her own Oleg Cassini.”

As interesting as that list is, I have decided to come up with my own lists turn offs :

UglyLaughs- I like to laugh...and make people laugh. So, if your laugh is not up to par...cute in everyway...I will make you dump me. Case closed. I'll probably just stare at you with a slight grimace on my face and a rare steak in my left hand ready to throw it at your face if you even begin to crack a smile.

Webbed Ear Drumbs- Ewww. I need a clear and defined "dip" in between the ear and what I call the "ear-neck connector." And I don't really think this is a big thing to ask for. If your neck is at the same time your ears, you should probably never date anyone. I mean....really....

Outtie- Theres just no way I could do it. Your belly button should be in. Like mine. Like everyone elses. Like normal people. Your an Alien.

Man feet-It goes without saying that I hate feet. Feet touching me grosses me out. If you touched my feet, I'd be grossed out. I especially hate feet on feet action. I usually freeze up. And start crying from my left eye duct. If you have man feet...you know, and I know we cant date. Cause that means the girl couldnt wear flip flops. We couldnt go swimming. It just wouldn't be fair...to the girl.

Uncomfortable Quiets- You need to be comfortable with not talking all the time. If Im not talking...its probably cause I have nothing to talk about. Don't ask me why Im not talking? Or what Im thinking? Why are you talking? Stupid question receive stupid answers. Im not a machine, woman.

Dresses with Flip-flops- In general...I dont like this look. But this one is pretty relative. I am willing to go with the times- but it's not the Behemian Revolution. And its not an episode of the Hills.

Genital Piercing- Cant say that Ive been there...but there is something about the idea that is very unappealing...like wearing Long johns to the beach or riding a bicycle with my eyes closed.

And that's it. If you have none of these things, you pass the first round of interviews. I would go into the second....but thats where I really do the weeding out.

Now that we got that out the way...I expect resumes to just start rolling in.

just a few (10) things.

1. I told you the NKOTB come back was a bad idea. While reunion bands such as the Spice Girls and Dru Hill wouldv'e clearly sang thier old joints....these dumb asses are trying to recreate themselves. I know, as you read this you like, "No, Shaun, your just a smart ass" which I very well may be...but I am a correct smart ass. Click here for a snippet of their new single entitled "Click, click. click"...already so, so wrong. Almost as wrong as Jordan and Joey's shiney suits :::BUZZER:::

I tell you what I do miss though....Jordan Knights single. "Creepin around in my head...holding you down in my bed.....Baby you know I can give it to you..." Genius.


2. Lets just draw some shit. Warning....if you arent the brightest crayon in the box. This drawing game might not be for you. I certainly proved to be a magnificent shade of dark grey before I lost interest.

3. Remake Alert. The lovable robot from my past is officially making a comeback. No, not that one you freaks....Im talking about Johnny 5 from the Short Circuit movies. Not to be confused for the Wall-e movie.....which I think the confusion will completely shatter the upcoming kid generation to the core, but hey..... I just hope they dont f*ck anything up. You see, Id rather keep the good memories than have to erase the made ones. Hulk......earse, erase. Transformers come on in. Ghost Rider...erase, erase. X Men series, come on in. See what Im doing here?

4. Astronomers make a shi*t load of money! Like really. Shiiiaat, if ad making keeps going the ways its going.....I just happen to love stars. And planets and stuff.

5. Sick Work by Tyler Stout. Makes me wish I was a designer type. Also, this is the only time youll ever hear be use the work "sick". Thats word.

6. JLo makes a horrible mistake. Wait...lets make that another horrible mistake.

7. South Park regains it ability to offend. Which I actually think is a good thing...especially if its done in print. Whooorahh! If it takes probing butt plugs? Why not. Toronto is for mommas boys and girly men.

8. Listen a good idea is a good idea, plain and simple. And opening a greetings card company for inmates is simply a great idea. Theres over 2.5 billion people in prison that need some loving too.

:::Inside Card (found in the newly imprissoned section, right next to Grand Ma cards):::

Dear Son,

We want to wish you the warmest of holidays...and that through the cold winter nights you never have to learn the true meaning of the words Ho, ho, ho.

Love Dad

PS Attached is some liquid soap and the full 1st season of buns of steel.

(damn Im funny, thought that up in less than a minute)

9. Ms Butterworth is back and hot as ever. I could think of some things to do to her. Squeeze her dry. Lick every last drop of her insides. Spread her all over my pancakes. You name it...I'll do it. Occasionally I do cheat on her with the homely IHOP types....Im just not a one syrup type of guy. did I mention that this is a Geico commercial.

10. Please God...dont ever have me end up with this girl or anything like her. Youtube find....Caption: This is just a little songlet I wrote for my boyfriend. It's me singing and playing the ukulele. I also made the puppet (it's meant to be a puppet version of me... and yes, I'm a girl.)What a surprise and delight to be featured on the Youtube homepage! My little puppet vids aren't really the sort of fare for this audience, I suppose, but I welcome all the nice comments!Any comments using offensive language, or insulting me personally, will simply be gleefully removed.
In due respect, I did not abuse her wall with stupidities, but I will copy and past it as a warning to all men in every part of the world. Any girl who doesnt think this is a creepy video and/or mentions the so called "cuteness" of the video, should be immediately dumped. That bitch is crazy. She said a songlet...a songlet. Insane in the membrane. You can thank me later, when you are NOT the boyfriend mysteriously floating in the Hudson river with no testicles.

Your welcome.