Perhaps you would rather the youtube version
Perhaps you would rather the youtube version
I for one was enlightened. A history lesson from the man who recorded "Make You Say Uhhhh."
BTW Master P's real name is Percy Miller. Percy? Thats real hood.
If you missed Mondays episode of fox's Moment of Truth- a show committed to seeing how far people will put their lives on the lines for cash- I have compiled a clip recall for you. It easily makes it in to my top 20 moments in TV history. Watch them all...chronologically. It's sad...but then again, not so sad. Kinda fitting actually.
let me rephrase the question.
For all the money in the world.
Reveal how much your car cost.
I mean, I dont own a car right now...but I would imagine that if i did have to pay to get you (girl) on a train, I have the right and will to drop the price ($2.00...$4 if I gotta pay for her to get home) at any given time. And I expect to be reinbursed sexually later in the night. $ wgole dollars worth of loving coming my way. Mmmmm, mmmmm.
Clean your gun.
My idea of the perfect first date. Really...all thats missing is a little Boston Market and the animated classic...lets say, Alladin.
Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed).
And if they aren't displayed? Listen hun...the good days are few and far in between. A man is to his trophies as a woman is to her bra. Support is needed in this superficial world. Otherwise there are nip slips and unneeded droopiness. We may not be perky and supple like when we were teens...but we can pretend.
Refer to your mother as your best friend.
...Im pretty sure I came out of her womb. You did not. She can be whatever I want her to be...in my eyes. Mind you beeswax lady/
I actually really agree with this one. Unless you are Jay Z or Justin Timberlake (yes, I just made them the same caliber), keep your rhyming words to yourself. In fact take that mantra and apply it to everyday life. Stop trying to sell me your silly cds on the street. Callin me "brotha" cause you think that will automatically build trust and respect (and gullibility-ness) and make me giv you $3 of my hard earned money.... whoa! I lost it there for a second. Sorry.
Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter.
If they are hot. They are hot. Perhaps you should try...out-hotting them.
Question our footwear.
Well, if you didnt look like the wicked witch of the west....we would have no questions
Blow-dry your hair.
So, we are just suppose to everywhere looking all wet hobo-esk. I mean...I personally do not have a problem with this rule...but if you are dating a man with longer hair than your own, that is completely your fault.
Tip less than 20 percent.
What if the service was crappy? Or what is it is 18% in the state you are in? Or what if you ar ein Europe?
Impressions are a fickle thing. I think that no one should do impressions, unless they are spot on. Sometimes I try to do a french accent and end up with a Chinese one. If you are good at celebrity impressions...you are probably a giant dork but hey, you gotta play up what you got. "Do Jet Li in Crouching Tiger of the Hidden Dragon...."
Impressions of us.
Ha ha...this is the one truly good thing about being in a relationship. There is always a reliable person around to make fun of. And it so happens, impressions of a girl (any girl really) is one of the easiest and most fun things to do in the world. Like breathing, but with way more satisfaction.
Forget to carry cash.
Would you rather a man with cash or credit? It IS 2008 and these new fangled things called banks give away these thin plastic card things...which act in the place of real cash. Same concept, I swear. And if the location doesn't accept card....we dont belong there.
Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction.
I am not going to lie...it took me awhile to figure out what was going on in this rule. I KNOW you are not trying to talk about the look of sexual organs. Lets not even go there lady.
Wait, I am not allowed to play wii? That's just unamerican. If this is true...I think all woman should be confiscated, locked up and tortured for the whereabouts of Bin Laden. Fact.
Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.
Ummmm, I personally am not a screamer. But there cannot be a double standard here. Girls scream. That is in their nature. So...if you can do it to me. I should be able to do it to you. Technically speaking.
Talk about former exploits. Ever.
This is a trick see....(think about that is a old school mob voice). Cause dams are always trying to ask us about ours past. Yous are trickters see.
Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man.
HA HA. Im sorry all I can do is laugh. Sooooooo....thats kinda a given. But what if we own a female dog?
Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)
Ill do what ever I want to you bitch slut, tramp whore who is not a man. "Dueces"
btw....sim sim salabim, IS my new favorite saying.
1. Please take time out of your day to click on the Delicious jelly belly picture/mural made of George Clooney. Apparently it is on public display at the Lux Hotel somewhere in Cali (click it to make it bigger, no homo). Its ok, I mean he didnt even win an Oscar last night. When the do mine...I expect to made of milkduds and caramel....kinda like I am in real life.
2. Jimmy Kimmel makes a comeback to Sarah Silverman's "Im Fucking Matt Damon" video. And, well...he clearly has more star power than her. Please count the celebs (Brad Pitt included). I think it is weird that Jennifer Gardener let him do this...shouldnt he be trying to get a real job to support their family? but I do see the funny. And there is a gay premise...and lord knows America loves the Gays.
3. What exactly is it about Will Ferrel? Why is he allowed to do dozens of movies in a row, inwhich he plays the same role. Will as dentist. Will as archaeologist. Will as street cleaner. And not only does he get paid for it, but he gets perks such as this. I mean....I would willingly go to work everyday if i had benefits like that.
4. Proof that not all Innovation is great. Welcome the Numbrella. Now you can cover your head and shoulder completely in the rain. Cool right? Wrong. Some people dont want to look like dorks when they are moving in public. I AM one of them. Also welcome the Wooden Bike. Genius...so instead of someone stealing a wheel while its chained to a bike rack...they will just light that bitch on fire. Genius.
5. I'll tell you what I am not ok with.....I am not ok with this. And this. Who let these looney tunes out of the hospital for public consumption? Kirsten smoking a cig after some hardcore grocery shopping and Owen presenting awards at the Oscars. Im not really sure why these 2 strike a cord with me...maybe its the fact that Dunst had contact with Tom Cruise as a child hence sealing her fate as an future addict (you know, with scientology and all) or the fact that Owen still hasnt fixed his broken nose...probably the bone marrow finally getting to his brain and fucking up his mind- but these guys...I care about. Stay locked up until your treated, please. Im looking foward to Spiderman 4 and Night at a Museum 2. Really...I am. I luv you guys.
6. BTW, Kate Blanchet...is an awesome actress. Have you guys ever seen Notes on a Scandal? For a potentially extremely boring premise- she was really good. I mean, Judy Dench did play a very convincing crazy person (this is why you cant make friends with strangers)...but Kate had to kiss a 15 yr-old boy. Every young prep boys dream.....lol. Good Sunday watch.
7. Million Dollar Shoes. Ugh, Im disgusted. Even more so that the Juno writer didnt even know she was wearing them. How high brow do you have to be not to realized the proce of the cloths you are wearing? OK DIABLO........
8. Janet has a Sense of Humor?????
9. So according to Details magazine...the Jonas Brothers from.......uhhhhhhhh, I guess the Disney Channel, are vowing chastity until marriage. And while Thier celebredom is of no interest to me, I just want to be the first to call their bluff. Disney stars are not the ones known for keeping it in their pants. I mean...it is a super nobel cause, but lets be serious...even Mickey and Minnie got it on.
10. The most amazing News. According to sources, Chris Brown and Rihanna are dating. I wanted to come up with their celeb name....but I dont think that that is as interesting as discussing all the f*ckin that is going on behind closed doors there. Chris is a horny teen idol. And Rihanna is an island freak. There is gonna umbrellas and and kiss kissin all over the place (that was a much more clever of a line in my head...I promise.)
I know I am and I would like to officially thank the academy for a fun filled 6 hours of .....
No, but seriously...here are some memorable Oscar moments. I clearly don't remember them...there were heavy accents involved...and we all know I don't do those very well.
And here is a sweet comprehehsive list.
This fine specimen of a man is the one and only Tom Brady back in 2000. I dont want to play him....but, if the NFL is looking for the next star quarter back....they may want to knock on my door.
My obvious qualifications:
1- I can stand in a marked off square on the floor...even on one leg if you dare me
2- I can look frumpy and awkward in droopy grandpa underwear too
3- I have an "in-e"...cause everyone know "outties" cant throw the pig skin for shi....
If this all works out in my favor...you all will have the good fortune of meeting my future wife _________ (insert model with silly accent here). And I will give you free tickets to all my games. And there will be cheesecake involved. I promise.
At first I saw this funny little video which made people (naked people) into Penguins to promote the decline of using artificial heat to warm yourself . You know...to save the environment and stuff. At the end it tells you to go to:
dothegreenthing.com....where they provide you with better solutions than I guess, turning on the heat when you are cold.
So, when the gangrene sets in, these two solutions should be able to save your life. Good luck! (In the mean time I am going to go buy a new gas powered heater).
Did I mention that the house is in...the ground.
Universal Pictures and Hasbro have announced a six-year partnership that will produce at least four films based on the following games: Monopoly, Candy Land, Ouija, Battleship, Magic: The Gathering, and Stretch Armstrong. "SHut-up!" I will not. I mean...I think they should go one step forward (I'm thinking about the future of American entertainment here) and purchased the rights to the following games as well.: Jenga. Uno. Tag. and Peek-a-boo. All thrilling plots with a great twist at the end. Whap Whap!
What do Ryan Reynolds, Taylor Kitsch, will.i.am, Lieve Schreiber, Danny Houston and Lynn Collins have in common? Well, they are all coming to your house for pictionary and wine party. After they all swap spit in the new Wolverine Movie (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)...insert cool guitar rift here. "SHUT-UP!"...ok, maybe they don't all swap spit. But they are all in the movie as follows...
Ryan Reynolds- Deadpool
Taylor Kitsch (who?)- Ganbit
will.i.am- John Wraith (who?)
Liev Schreiber- Victor Creed (Sabertooth..I think
Danny Houston- Col. William Stryker
Lynn Collins- Kayla Silver Fox
I just realized that I am more of an X Mean as a whole fan than individuals.....I hope this isnt the beginning of a X-Men Origins: _______ series. Like Storm is next...then Iceman.... Though I am excited to see Gambit in live Action who the f*ck is playing him. Wait...who the f*ck is playing everyone else too? And is will.i.am bringing Fergie with him....she can be an Alien extra. It's all right here kids.
Sex, sex, sex. Between the Big Brother scandal and the supposed Gene Simmons sex tape, I dunno whether to type about it or hop on the band wagon and buy a video camera. But, allegedly, Gene Simmons was caught having sex with someone besides his baby momma. Even if its not true, the picture to the right is disturbing enough to know that you must proceed with caution. On big brother 9 (which i just got addicted to thanks to my roommate Kellen), some girl was taped giving head to this guy...in the house. Click here to get to the age confirmation (I have to make sure you are all of age). I mean, it's like completely "college head" (a bobbing sheet on top of a reclined male who is only semi loving it), but the overall idea that one would forget they were being tapped 24 hours by a show called "Big Brother"......kinda makes my head explode. Check out all the big brother sexcapades here. It's alot of information so put on your reading glasses.
Damn, Cassie is lookin real good right here (to the left). L-L-L-Leather, me likey. In contrast Eva Pigford left the house looking like a mixture of african refugee meets dream girls, which is a look only blind people could like and ...my future wifey JLo is also not looking too good at all. I mean, she looks okay for having to bear an alien child in he womb, but unfortunatly 'Almost Doesnt Count'.
Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice)was recently quoted as saying, “It probably won’t happen ever again. I’m still absolutely blown away that we did more than one show. So right now I’m thinking this is it. This is the last time you will ever get to see this Girl Power, the five Spices on stage as one.” And then my heart sank deep, deep, deep into my chest. Possibly the best part of the Victoria Secret show (next to Hiedi and Seal's breath taking performance [BUZZER]), was them...GIRL POWER? I mean...what was the point? To just toy with my heart. And this is why I cant trust the Brits.
Ewwwwww, did yall hear about how Deelishish got played by Flava Flav (neck roll)? Well, I heard...he just wanted another season on VH1...lookin for money ish...he dont care about no love. Riiighhhhht. That's a big surprise Deelishish. You look like a man. Who would pick you for anything but to be a head liner at a strip club called "BIG ASSES R US".
Ok...I'm out of stuff. I mean, it IS only a Wednesday.
I promise to hit you up with something more meaningful, later on in the month.
So, after I was told that I could not post nudy pics of miss Lohan on my blog, because it was in appropriate, I took another angle. A classier one if you will. Here, Lindsay pays homage to the late great Marilyn Monroe in a recreation of the the blond bombshell's last photo-shoot. Why? Who knows... (perhaps simply too much free time)but if you want to see some large freckly boobs, click here.
Here is the thing about art Lindsay...you are not it. And the obscene freckles...not so much Sorry.
2. Hillary has decided that she would make a video too. Apparently, Borack is not the only one that has music video skills.
:ring. ring ring:
"Yes....mmmhmmmm, yes...I understand"
Hillary, The Jackson Five just called. They want their music video back. Sorry Hillary.
3.Caffeine: A User's Guide to Getting Optimally Wired lists 5 ways to ingest caffeine so that you will get as much out of it as possible. They are 1-Consuming in small frequent amount 2-Playing to your cognitive strengths while wired 3-Playing to caffeine's strengths 4-Knowing when to start and stop again 5-Making sure your caffeine comes from a good source. Read nore about it on your own time....I'm going to inject this sh*t into my veins. Cause that is what they said to do in the foot notes...you know to avoid alzheimers and stuff. This, is my new favorite article.
4. Once you get past the creepy factor, this is a a really good idea. Eye stickers to put on the top of your eye lids....so you could take a nap at work, or when your significant other wants to "talk" or when, you're in a who can stay awake the longest contest. Well, atleast you'll have one part down...now someone needs to invent a turtle neck that stops the crazy sleep head jerks when you are trying to stay awake sitting up.
5. Ummm wtf. Giant Jelly fish. Kill that muth f*cker! Kill his children. And kill his 2nd cousins.....this is why you cant be swimming any and every where. We are too bust marveling at monsters and not taking them out appropriatly so that we can swim unharmed.
6. The only thing better than a nip slip is a nip slip without the slip. Thanks Pamela Anderson...you literally deliver the goods continuously. Keep up the good work.
7. I dont know how I missed this yesterday, but apparently Jane Fonda said the word "Cunt" on Good Morning America. Check it out here. Was she serious? Was it a joke? Who cares really...the words "Bitch" and "Slut" are said on TV all the time, just in a different time slot. Come on america, its 2008. Let a old hoe fucking say cunt. I mean its Jane Fonda for shit sake. Damn it! (5 bad words in 3 sentence...good for me).
8. Thank God the release of "Jumper" is today. Yesssss! Not that I have any interest in seeing it. But atleast will finally stop playing that stupid trailer. I must have seen the exact same traler 55 times, in full. I literally began counting down the days to release in hopes of TV commercial freedom. Even with DVR, the bastard trailer still gets shown. YES! Spider Cronicles....you were getting kinda close as well.
9. In good movie news. A desert. A mystic religous artifact. A whip. What could it be......The new Indian Jones movie, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Holy mother of Mary- Harrison Ford is back and this time with that little kid from Transformers (if only they got his hot co-star Megan Fox too). All past Indie films bring everything to the table. Laughs. Love. Live Action. Betrayal. Whimsicle Nazis. Ughhhh, I am so excited about this...that I will see it with anyone. Anyone.
10. This crazy baby survived a tornado. 11 months old and the only one that lived in his houshold after a tornado straight up demolished his home. Miracle, no? My question...since the baby is clearly a magical being...is, did he go to OZ, and is it stil in 4-color?
p.s. RIP -To the kids and families the suffered in the recent school shootings here in Illinois.
.....You like it how I work my spine
Do It Again- Jaz Y
You know how Mac come through on the club tip
Everybody real deep on that thug shit
Cop Cris' spray the club on that thug shit
Take away: Always speak you mind. Love begins with true communication.
I dont know about you...but there is no place I would rather be tonight than at white castle enjoying a small square burger, some cheese sticks and a milk shake. If I am really lucky, I will experience a White Castle where the servers are protected by 4 inch thick bullet proof glass and you get your food through a revolving service door. And if Im really lucky.....I'll be in an express one where there are only 2, two seat tables. Ah Romance!
Happy V-Day to All and to All a Good Night!
1. Locker room antics. The idea of a communal showers (YMCA) has always creeped me out (you have to ask why they couldn't just put up a wall). Steam filled naked male comradery never made it into the top ten of my list of things to do (even when I played sports).....but since I have been going to the gym, I have gotten use to the "idea" of the locker room. However, I would like people to stop blatantly abusing the naked privileges. I understand the basic need to be naked and free, but please...lets not hold a convo while you are drying your private parts. And lets put an end to extended long periods of time standing around butt nekkid. They make the long towels to wrap around your waste..ssssoooo you dont have to share your goods with the world. This is not an episode of "highschool football team (generic)" , wrap it up grandpa.
2. I hate bank of america. They are just a bunch of scam artists. They say what ever they want to you over the phone just to get you to comply(sorta like Delta Airlines), and in the mean time they are sucking money away from you in fees. Overdraft fees are the devil, while over draft protection, is like a little evil elf that moves your money without your knowledge...and then charges you. Ugh...I am so tired of getting duped. I feel like im stuck in some terrorist regime and always getting shafted. Honestly, I would rather you beat me relentlessly to a bloody pulp than you continue to take my money and feed me nonsense.
3. I just cant get it off my shoulder...how Beyonce spoke blatant untruths about singers of the past, and gave undue homage to Tina Turner at the Grammys. She was just name dropping away...Lauren Hill, Aretha, Whitney, Diane Ross and she continued..."There is one legend who has the essence of all of those things: the glamour, the soul, the passion, the strength, the talent," Ladies and gentlemen. Stand on your feet and give it up for the queen."....the "queen" being Tina Turner. Now I coulda care less about the Aretha nonsense...but you cannot so lumping together some of the best voices and talents of our times and then have Tina Turner be the trump card. I love Tina. Love her for all of her 3 hit songs. Loved her in Mad Max and in Ike and Tina...How to Beat Your Wife. And I am not debating her queendom...she is a queen in her own right. But she is NOT the queen of singing and not the queen talent. Fin.
4. I'm done with Chicago and its snow. I get it Chicago. You "own this" when it comes to fucking up people's days. I just want to request...from one brotha to another (cause if Chicago was a person, he'd be a hip black guy with a neatly groomed goatee and a stylish vest) lets calm it down with the snow. The cold, I get...it's winter. But the snowing all the time has to come to an end. We are not in Alaska....and I am not equipped mentally for repeated days of snow. If I turn into a psycho killer, tis your fault.
5 There are a few things that everyone (in my opinion) should be in love with. They are: Puppies, Pizza, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the song "Umbrella" by Rihanna and Jay Z. If you currently do not like all of these, I would like to inform you that it is never too late to change. Quit your communist ways and come over to the light side. The right side.
My top moments Grammy Moments of 2008....
1. Beyonce and sister (gimme a second and I'll remember her name) still being dressed by their momma. And the result is.....tacky. I hate to say it, but if I had a giant red buzzer that controlled a door to a pit of african mutant space alligators, I woulda pressed its continuously, restlessly and vigorously for everyone involved in morbid muffin lady's and princess hobo's looks...(hair, make-up, biological parents, god parents, pets....).
2. Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Under my umbrella. Rihanna and Jay Z win best collaboration or something. Jay seemed unimpressed. Rihanna was thanking Barbados [record scratch]. Whaaaaa.....
3. The blatant cockiness of Kanye. He literally told the makers and producers of the show to cut the music off when they were trying to get him off the stage. Now maybe this wasnt that big of a surprise to some, but keep in mind, the last time I watched an entire award show, it began with B. Spears consciously singing, dancing and holding a snake simultaneously, and then living to talk about it w/out a coochie flash. Come on Kanye, its the same rules as it was 49 yr ago, let alone last year- if you had something to say about your momz, you shoulda said it at the beginning of the speech. Dont be arrogant, because you wont be hot forever...infact, I'll give you another 5 years tops, before your begging to be on Brit's new album. And your date wasnt even that hot. Bleh!
4. Tina and Beyonce. No, no I, II, and III. I- Beyonce saying that Tina Turner was better than Whitney (I believe she defined Houston as having 'Melody')....where is my giant red buzzer? Presss, presss, preeessssssss. II- Tina's silver spaghetti strap jump suite...your like 70 Tina...the wheels do NOT keep on rollin, they infact NEED to be reinforced and covered up. And silver, not quiet your color Tina. III Tina dancing with Beyonce, she missed a few moves towards the end...but I was impressed (click the pic to link up) . If I was 70 something, I don't think I wouldve picked Beyonce as the person to dance with on stage. I'd probably pick a fictitious character like Fred Flinstone or the Snorks.
5. I also like how Kanye was the subject of 2 snide remarks, when he wasn't even on stage. Some country dude asked him "if he ever had a Beatle give him an award"...and then said "im joking." Usher did not end his stab like that. When he said "Winning isnt everything, Kanye," and he meant it. Kanye, kanye, kanye...modesty will keep your name out of peoples mouths. That's a little something your momma never taught you. Eh, eh and a whap whap.
6. Areatha, Areatha, Areatha. Who told you it was ok to wear spaghetti straps? You are too big to and too flabtastic to be doin that. You know I love you...but you committed a no no. You shoulda took all the shawl business and wrapped it around the whole top of your body. I'm talking straight jacket style. You woulda even looked better with a long (and extra wide) white T on.
7. The Amy Winehouse performance. Hello, who told her that she was all better? They were fibbing. Poor girl was convulsing, and shaking and touching herself. It was all really sad. She wasnt in the US because her visa wasnt right...not that home court advantage helped-but the lack luster crowd supported her all the way through her horrendous performance. And the back up dancers looked like they were from prison (perhaps the same prison as her hubby Blake...er, tmi, Amy, tmi...I'm gonna guess he was a drug dealer, no?). Eh, I dont see what's so great about the girls music anyway....i heard her entire album sounded the same. That's word. lol. The Brits scare me, but she did clean up at the Grammys. And hey...Kanye likes her, so.....
8. Disappointing. No Justin Timberlake. A single tear ran down my cheek. It got caught up in my beard, so the effect...unfortunatly, wasn't all that dramatic.
Other Honorable Mentions: Alicia Keys tore it up singing with Old Blue Eyes (scary) and she was looking real hoodish while she performed her hit single (hot) / Kid Rock was scat singing, obviously as a result of the writers stike / the dueling pianos and orchrastra that played the song from Tom & Jerry (that sgiuld show you how classy I am) was really good / Foo Fighter did a good job performing....outside....... / Fergie actually didnt make a fool out of her self singing while John legend played the piano...she was decent / Will.I.am did however make a fool out of himself / Josh Groban thought it comfortable to place his hand on another man's lower back for the entirety of a song....strange, or normal...hey its opera / Tom Cruise was NOT there....making the place completely Scientology free, phew!!!!