heavenly thoughts.

I was up at like 3am last night, and this weird religious program came on, with this old guy discussing a recent news article about the second coming of Jesus and the 8 signs that back it up. The official title is...ahem... 8 Compelling Reasons Why Christ is Coming Soon.

He wearily started the program off with a joke about how a woman was looking for a pious man who would rather be in church on a sunday, than watching the sunday game, and that's when I knew he was crazy.

After he was finished waving his bible around. I decided to make my own blasphemous list of why Christ is Not Coming Soon. So heeeereee we go (Mario Kart reference...who caught that? Gold Star for you.)


The evidence for the not-too-soon return of Jesus Christ is overwhelming. One scholar lists 167 converging clues just in the last few years while others are 280% sure that "he is the father of that baby" wait, doesn't % mean out of 100. The following are eight FACTS that prove Christ will not be arriving any time soon:

1. Spam is still considered a meat to many a culture throughout the world. And that's ridiculous, and totally secular. Everyone knows Gumby's best friend was a red horse.

2. Magnum Sized Condoms. Research shows that more and more paper products are being produced in the color black. Ironically, the same color as writing ink. There is no direct correlation between prolonged deepening of the average vagina and the increased # of condoms they keep putting in a pack, but as more black paper is being used around the world, the depletion of black ink in 2011, will not allow for the proper amount of ink that say, a Savior would need to completely get through a naughty or nice list. Theoretically proven. And lets not even get into the gold ink that is used.

3. Love of Magic. As long as the human affair with mystical beings is at large, a being of such ultimate superiority will not set foot upon this world. Prime Example...Harry Potter, and the generation of miniature aspiring witches and warlocks. False ideology is performed every time a book drops or a movie opens. And that's only one of the mystical being so readily and earnestly immersing into our society. Christians don't ride brooms yah know.

4. The love of Sushi. Eating sh*t raw and packed together with undercooked rice. Pure hedonism.

5. Casual Fridays. If everyone was so "well" traveled and educated, why is it that people still mistake casual fridays for going clubbin-let me get this $20 in singles, day. People still can't dress themselves--or even understand the symbiotic relationship b/t how people think of you and how you look. As long as casual fridays are abused...there is no way the messiah will arise to save anyone. Even he knows Jesus sandals went out of style in the early 90's. And listen....Pink Polos and Button Downs are never acceptable (personal addition). Sinful.

6. The Old World Order is still riding high. Some places just have NOT evolved. In Chicago, they are still cutting their pizzas in boxes, and not slices like normal people. Suede suits are still in. moms and dads around the world still don't know what ".com" is or how to handle it. The royal family is still emphasized and respected in London(they don't do anything). The Irish still hate the Brits and vice versa. With all these world advances......we are still, soooo far behind. And worst of all...FILA is still making cloths. Ugh.

7. Fragil Rock. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. And I Love New York. With such awesome shows being written, produced and brought to screen within decades so close together, no one in their right mind would end the current snowball effect that is playing out. And lets not 4get LOST. Cha.

8. Turkish Whores. As long as there are Turkish whores....salvation, is unlikely.

It's best to think of this as less of a blasphemous blog and more, anti organized religion blog. Ridicule or religious satire maybe. As IDIOTIC at the link above. Trust, I love Jesus...but it is silly to think that you can comprehend his goals from simple words strung together by an anonymous author. And then have some crazy, decipher 8 visions (as in-depth as they are, not) that for tell the arrival of Christ and the abolishment of all that do not follow him.

It's the difference between spirituality/belief and religion. The good person that treats you as he/she wants to be treated and the religious nut that ties you beaten to a fence for your sexuality.

I'm just saying.

That is all.

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