monday monster.

How lucky are you?
To be here, right now, to read my blog. Just 3 things. I promise....three things. Three long things.

Turn the beat around. I went clubbin this weekend. That's right... Chicago is capable of having a night life sans flat screen plasmas and the cult classic "Sweet Caroline." I'm talking $8 drinks, velvet ropes, a cover, and a too small dance floor to get your groove on or off. Granted, the outside did look like an actual warehouse . But inside, an upscale tavern decorated with fake ambiance and polluted (in that good way) with short skirts did arise. It was a flesh party indeed. I hadn't been in that type of atmosphere in some time. But now that I am reacquainted, I have provided you, my dear readers, with a list of what TO DO and NOT TO DO, when going to a discoteca.

*pleas note...all recommendations are merely opinions and do not apply to eveyone. Just the people that matter.

-DO play the "who am I" game...in which you mimic a dancer around you (one that is clearly comfortable, and thinks they look fine)...and your partner, guesses who it is. Great fun, making fun of people 2 ft from you.The only rule is...no pointing
-DO NOT open a bar tab. Especially one with a $40 minimum...whap whap

-DO NOT wear your brand new aldo shoes to the club. You end up wanting to kill people you dont even know
-DO NOT look foolish. People will make fun of you. If you want a judgment less crowd, ones who will accept you for who you are...join a christian fraternity. The club is for lookin up to par.
-DO stick to one really strong drink..f*ck a shot, f*ck a beer. Jack and coke all night......that way you don't get escorted out or make a fool of yourself on the dancefloor.
-DO try you best to spend some time admiring the Go-Go dancers. They move at very rapid pace and with much vigor. (pssst...you don't have to give them dollar bill either). I always said that if I were a girl, thats how I'd make cash on the side. I changed my mind when I saw a grl from my college psych class dancing on a box on a Saturday night.

-DO talk to people very loudly, whilst you lean in, sorta tilting your head to the angle of thier ear and shaping you lips for the correct pitch and sound that will allow the receiver to hear you over the bass of the whisper song. Otherwise you are bound to get alot of "huh"s and empty stares****this is a tip for veterans
-DO NOT take a girl home from a club. Herpes does have a rhythm. Its called Life (ft Kanye West).
-DO High Five yourself for being the best looking person in the club. If you see better... hate them unjustly.

Anyway...chi-town, I am impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. You seem more of the homely type. PS, I got in alot of trouble once, for saying that to a girlfriend. But, Chicago, I know...that you know...what I mean. You sly "Irish" dog you. You keep leading me on by a string.

Corks and screws. For some odd reason, lately I've been noticing how weird I am. All of the following thing will help support this point..... 1.) I talk to the TV. Like I make frank, matter-of-fact and heartfelt comments to it. Sometimes, I share my opinions. Other times, my hopes and dreams. All judgment out the window. I do it almost religiously, and one day, I feel...it will say something back. And then I will have to destroy it. 2.) Another thing I've noticed is that I just started laughing really hard and loudly at things. Like, I "Blast" (Mary poppins "I Love to Laugh" song reference) loud and strong and clear. Like, to the point, that when I'm done I'm like..."what the fuck was that". But, I blast like 5 times in a row. And then I am done. Weird right? This is a completely new thing...I never use to laugh like this. 3.) Another thing is that I tend to fall in love with other people's love very easily. Like, I think I enjoy being 3rd party to a friends relationship, rather than having my own. I wonder...where it is now...and where its going. Yesterday I was catching up with my BFFs last night (fuck, it was so good to hear from them....I wish Chicago even knew anything about how NY gets down), but anyway...we had fallen a little behind. So we gave life/relationship updates. And i was so entertained. Their drama was my utter enjoyment...ups and downs....talk of marriage...shenanigans about sleeping w/ people at work. Sometimes, I stare at couples on the street and wonder what they are saying to each other now and what they will be saying like a year from now. This morning I was on a packed train and there was this lovey dovey fresh couple being all close and friendly...and the guy coughed in her face, and she laughed it off. In my mind, I started to wonder, if in a years time...the same thing happened, would she be so cute about getting coughed on. Also, there is this woman at wrk who sometimes shares her personal relationahips stories with me. And I sit there bright eyed and drooling.

So....Am I a freak? Cause if so....can I earn money from it?

Current polls shows that it's 50/50 in my house. Of what you ask? The percentage of "fly" use to "over and out" use when urinating. Why and how this conversation came to light in my house hold? Who knows...I merely entered in the middle of it. Here are some key argument points:

- "That's what the fly is made for...to meticulously snake through it and pee...don't be a communist."

- The fly is meant to pull your business through so you don't have to untuck your shirt and unbuckle your belt and pull your pants down like a 5 year old.

-"It's just easier to go up and over...like wiping back to front" lol

-"The up and over only works if your cloths do not fit well. Cause if they did, it would be more work...undoing the belt, button and hold more than 2 things at time. "

How do I feel in the matter? Well, I go both ways....I've taken the high road on many occasions but I've also mastered the pee pee maze as well. I personally know all of my underwear inside out...like on an emotional level. And depending on their personalities the overall situation and the postion of the sun in relation to Uranus, I switch it up each time. Ya know? Sometimes I start off on way...and change my mind. Sometimes, I find it easier to use the pants fly, but to pull down the elastic top of the boxer briefs (yes, I'm a boxers brief guy)...a little bit of both worlds. It's finger magic basically. It's ALL really a split minute decision. But up and over is easier. And funner (yes...funner, Kelly).

LoL, just thought I'd share.

Remember, "No matter how you wiggle, squirm or dance, the last three drops always end up in your pants!"


Quote (s) of the Day:

"I'm going to be a sluty cop for Halloween...what about you?"

"Just a slut."

(and then the two girls high fived...true story.)


Anonymous said...

oh there it is.

Anonymous said...

dont open a bar tab unless you can dance it off.

Do go to any open bars. esp. ones where common is at.

Kelly said...

over the fence is not only immoral, it's downright un-american. why have a fly if you're not going to use it!?! matt mccabe is crazy and i will never again use a urinal next to him for fear that i will glimpse everything he has to offer, simply resting atop his jeans and beneath one of his many shades of polo shirts.

and don't get me started on this between the leg wiping biznass.

Butt Floss Ross said...

best blog I've read in a wa-ile.

Anonymous said...

for halloween, i am going to be a mermaid and a slutty firefighter(different nights obv). so i guess the mermaid in me is high fiving the firefighter because we are all so awesome.

i loved your dance club thing, esp article #1. whenever i do that with my friends, they're all too drunk to be cool about it so i have to resist. i have to resist making fun of people shaun. i end up sitting on my hands on a stool at the bar lol.

wow, this over under and around the tree business is crazy. it also poses a conundrum. i can see how pulling it through would be uncomfortable, but i guess you would just have to persevere. because that jumping out of your pants thing is not gentlemanly.

- a.