Ok. ok. ok. So, you had to know that this post was coming. I am super excited. I had planned to talk TV shows this Monday, but something very special and a little magical happened to me last night, that made me change my mind. That magical thing is called, American Gladiators. Originally a product of the 80s/90s, it has made its comeback with new Gladiators...new contestants...and new hosts (Hulk Hogan & Laila Ali). So, I guess the real question here is..."Does the new American Gladiators compare to the Old American Gladiators?"
Let's make this organized, shall me....
The Gladiators. Alright, so in the past (80s), there was no real difference b/t the male gladiators and the female ones. All gladiators where muscle bound, diesel behemoths of a person. Breasts, did not exist. Rock n roll hair had swept nation. To the naked eye...all of them were muscle beach, monsters. And though as 6 year olds, my cousin and I did have a monster crush on Diamond, it is safe to say that those standards...though good for beating the average person to a bloody pulp, did not work for TV. Todays Gladiators have a little bit of Spunk to them. They arent just a mass of muscles with crazy non-sensicle names. They are masses of muscles, with non-sensicle names...that now have identities. Por ejemple Wolf...howls before he pounces his contestant prey, while Toa does a little jingle jangle native dance number that leaves you a little bewildered. Hellga, is a monster of a woman...obviously the descendant of some mix of Hell and Holland(check out her monster thighs). While Crush, is kinda cute....in a can beat your ass up kinda way.
The Contestants. I think, that the Y2K contestants are way tougher than the old ones. I'm talking black girls capable of just jumping in the water (not even worrying about thier weave), contestants from the Army (who dont do that well, frankly NOT all they can be..dont tell Bush I said that). The bronx tales firefighter did very well..while the life coach just didnt have what it took. But all, still very impressive...sans Skater Dad..whap whap. But dont get me wrong...the old feelin is till there. As contestant battle and push themselves to the brink of their physical limits, we the viewers..sitting home chomping on a Burrito w/ extra cheese get to watch them be mercilessly suplexed and fall over in exhaustion for no good reason at all. So..very, very entertaining.
The Arena. Everyone has thier favorite challenge. Whether it is the joust...where you go against a gladiator 5 times the size of you with an over sized q-tip. Powerball, which is dodgeball without the ball...but with an emphasis on the dodge. Or Pyramid, which tires me out just watching it. My personal favorite is Hang Tough, and that..i must admit was lacking. The old hang tough was impossible. Even if you were squirmy enough to avoid the xena leg grip of the gladiator...you still had like a mile of swinging from ring to ring to do b4 you won. This one...is too short. Way too short. The Eliminator. According to every contestant that stumbles across it, is as grueling as the old one. A small wall. A swim under a wall o' flames. 30 foot horizontal climb. A spinning thing that you hold on to (allegedly), the arm bicycle, climb to the top of the pyramid, and then the treacherous uphill moving platform all combine to form the ultimate human inspiration demoter. Great!
All in all. I think it was a success. It is like...a real world challenge(which is also starting anew), but without all the in between nonsense. The average joe against a formidable, monstrous enemy. David vs Goliath. Daffy vs Bugs (daffy always got played). three thumbs up from this critic.,,,and maybe four after tonight.
Wooorah!
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