I spent the entirety of my Sunday with my new roommate. And by new roommate, I mean my mother. Whap, whap. I went to breakfast, church, shopping, a movie and then topped it all of with dinner. And the best part of it all....(wait for it)....i didnt spend a dime.
Before I get to the meat and potato's of this blog, I must regale you with my church experience. Everything was going along as usual. 2 hour plus service ::check::, begging for money ::check::, belittling other cultures ::check::. But this time, for some odd reason, my pastor pulled (out of the obscurity of the past) a Roots themed service. So, what started of as a reference to Tobe not being the true name of Kunta Kinte, snowballed its way throughout about 120 minutes to a crescendo of raising multiple new born babies above his (the pastors) head and saying the less memorable line, "Now behold something greater than yourself." It was all very bizarre. But entertaining non the less. He made claims that it was in the movie. But after considerable research (imdb), I have concluded that he lied. As he two handed babies above his head (which according to my mother, he did the same to me)...I could not help but to wonder if he had even dropped one. And the response it would elicit for the holly crowd. I certainly would chuckled. But onto the point of this blog post- the movie.
Sex and the City- I would be lieing if I didnt say that I have seen enough episodes of the show (while on HBO-which isnt to be confused for tv) to sting together the main plot and premise of the show. Infact, I had/have strong opinions on Carrie relationship with Aiden as I was going through a similar situation in my real life(yeah, my penis just turned into a vagina, so what?). But I had to plans on seeing the movie in theaters. And that's a fact. But, alas...the gods willed it so and my mother dragged me to a 3pm showing. So here's the review in full from a mans perspective.
It is 2hours and 30 minutes. I cant tell you how long Titanic was, but this movie felt as long, if not longer but without the boat and people dieing. That's 180 minutes of watching old maids have sex, shotty writing marinated in sexual puns and literal old maids (sitting behind me) commenting on every god damn thing that happened in the movie. I cannot even begin to review this without splitting it up into categories.
full on frontal. For some odd reason, I cannot seem to go to the movies with either of my parents without there being some gratuitous sex in it. And I get it....I'm not 9 anymore, and I dont have to pretend to not know what sex is. But when you are stuck sitting next to your mother sharing nachos, this damn movie was like watching a porno brought from eighth ave in the city (not that I would know anything about that). I dont know how many times we had to see man ass to get the idea that the word "sex" is in the title. At one point they added a slow motion shower scene with a naked dude, and the showed his pee pee. I got to see some lesbian bobbies, and believe it or not...they are pretty similar to straight girl boobs. But overall...to much nudity for the sake of nudity. I get it, the word "sex" is in the title but it made me a little uncomfortable and it practically nixed all my holliness I achieved but 2 hours earlier at church.
the writing/acting/plot. Im not going to lie to you. I heard there were boom mics and stage stuff seen all throughout the movie marking its haphazard production and poor editing. So I was hoping to catch these things and report to you lovely people about the harm of loving something too much. But the story was mildly amusing, entertaining and fast enough that I was not able to thoroughly scan. And thats a good thing. I get the genre of entertainment. I didn't expect a theoretically deep masterpiece. Its suppose to be friendly and kinda stupid. Its meant to be light on the thinking. And it succeeded. I think they kept their priorities together.....Samantha ended up still being a whore, and the other 2 (hot Charlette and the red lesbian) were as boring and secondary as they were in the actual show. The characters are the same...but with more wrinkles which equated to more make-up. For some odd reason they put Jennifer Houston in it. I guess to take up an extra hour or so. And Carrie aka Jessica Parker was still doing the type and think/narrate thing. And then the movie ended.
the ninnies. No not the actresses you sillies. Apparently in westchester ny, Sunday is the day that they let the old folks out of their homes to go to the movies. That or all those horny buggers were just waiting to see some hot stud shower penis. Either way, they were sitting behind me...two of them, commenting on every single thing that happened. The movie was riddle with comments like, "that sure is a good looking fella there", "Those shoes are beeeeaaauuuuutiiiifulllllll", "Its about time she told her", "There sure is alot of nudity in this film" , "I didnt know they held weddings at the public library....that sure doesnt look like our library" and my favorite "this movie is putting me in the mood to f*ck." Ok, okay....I made that last one up. But if I thought it was embarrassing to go to the Sex and the City movie with my mother, I mean roommate...imagine being the only male in the theater, AND the only one born after World War 2.
In the end...the movie was frivolously entertaining. What did it teach me? That people are f*cked up. And you just have to deal with it. Especially if you are the protagonist. And yes....a man can live through a movie meant for for women without growing boobs (yes, thats 2 jokes about men and women switching parts....genius).
yerp. Im out.
