"Go the F*ck to Sleep Kid."

Adam Mansbach’s Go The Fuck To Sleep, described as “a children’s book for adults” (you'll soon know why), is now an audiobook narrated by Samuel L. Jackson that you can download for free at audible.com. That's two Samuel L. posts in a row, people. It's gonna be a great day.

I'd say I'd be reading this to my future kid. But between nyquil and my belt....there should be no sleeping problems.

VIA thedenveregoist

So...true story.

I met this lady in real life. I was doing some hand casting (true story, remember). And she is as bizarre as she is here with Katie Kuouric. Wait....doesn't that mean I know Katie Couric through like 2 degrees of separation. She then opens up the whole world to me.......like, me a Lil Wayne are cousins.

But any way. I did infact interview this ladies hands. And needless to say...she didn't get the job. Who's the gate keeper now...bitches?!?!?

VIA thedenveregoist

For the love of tennis

"Well, you can't just keep playing a major tennis tournament with urine on the court."

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Freelancing: The Email.

This is some entertaining sh*t. Funny email exchange between David (the client) and Simon (the freelance).

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

see how it ended here...

VIA animalny

Is he the Devil?

Yeah...that just happened. A public news caster asked if the sitting President of the US was the devil.

VIA animalny

This is how you apologize...

...on national tv for screwing around on your job. It's kinda genius.

"My response to that is: yes I have. I have had sex with women who work on this show...Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women."

I mean really. He has a platform...and he is using it. He is taking PR into his own hand. Spreading the entirety of the truth (his truth)) on his terms. Squashing any rumors and in the long run, securing his job- All in a comedy bit. You have to admit...that's kinda genius. Kudos, sir. Kudos. 

Flying Low.

Imagine getting hit upside the head by the Hull on an airplane. Is it called hull? Not that it matters when a wheel runs over you sand castle. 

"Oops upside your head. I said oops upside your head." 

VIA unkommonkolor

The Four Horsemen in Harlem.

Ok, so I dont know about the rest of New York State, but was anybody else woken up at 2am in Manhatten to what sounded like the possible end of the world? I felt like lightening stuck in my back yard and it made me feel like a main character in a scene from the Day After Tommorow. And the thing about that is...I would not make it out of any apocolyptic scenario, ever. So I got out of bed and checked weather.com (you know, cause I might have needed to know where the closest bomb shelter or something) and those bastards had the nerve to be talking about how the Yankee game might get rained out, on the home page. And I sleep hard....like I have been known to sleep through earth quakes, hard. But that sh*t last night made me compile a text list of New York friends, save it and I may or may not have wrote the following:

"I love all you guys, but I refuse to meet the end of days awake. See you on the other side."

And then I dreamt about my childhood best buddy...Russel the Teddy Bear. 

This is just awkward.

The whole conversation....on CNN...really? Is she allowed to say swagger?


VIA stuffflypeoplelike

The Linkdown.

1. I absolutely don't think you want a man to carry a (your) baby. I'm a whiskey drinker myself. In a Whiskey world...you pass out alot.

2. The best girlfriends will pose naked to help advance your career. Fact.

3. Ninja Hoodies? Don't you mean, nuclear holocaust survival apparel?

4. This, is what I'm talking about. If you can be thwarted by dolphins, then imagine what a Seagal Solution could wrought upon an underdeveloped enemy.

5. However, those Somali Pirates are on the come up...when it comes to social media.

6. Ewwwww, gross. The ad. The logo. The concept. All of it is gross.

7. Oprah Tweets...Shaq corrects her. The un-funny part is that my mom just asked me if I "Twatted"? True story. I hate twitter. There ...I said it.

8. Google says men are into hair down there. So It must be true. Next stop...wikipedia.

9. Why it sucks to have made it through the cuts.... Now if by sucking, you mean paying your bills and feeding your children? Then, yes...it sucks to still have a job.

10. Danity Kane is officially dead. And I am official in mourning.

Friends: Dan

So...I have a shirt that says, "You Are What You Eat." I brought it because it was $7 at Old Navy and I liked the color and centered typeface (<--ad geek). I don't like to wear it out because I ALWAYS run into some wise guy that makes a pu**y joke. Ridiculous right? But anyway, conversely I believe that "You Are Who You Hang Out With."

Now....very recently a few friends were sending around the "Did You Know" video via facebook. After scolding them for not reading my blog (cause I posted that video months ago), I elaborated on a joke about my friend Dan "liking" Jada Pinkette Smith. I may have perhaps related his new found "like" to reverse racism. And at the same time I schooled them on broadband in Bermuda and exactly how fast it is-which I have experienced.

His exact facebook message response:

Jada Pinkett loves my Broadband penetration. She's always trying to sign on to my shit. I look at her and I'm like listen i’m currently in offline mode and can’t browse the web.

But I gotta tell you about this one time when she needed an upgrade and I delivered..

….So i take out my 16 GHz Pentium processor and insert it gently in to her motherboard.. right away she's turned on.

Loading..

I can feel her fans trying cool me down... It’s no use.. i'm just too much, too fast, too powerful..

Still loading

She asks me for a password.. I look at her I say BitcH? What Password???

Then i remembered.... "y2K"..

I give her the secret password. She loves that dirty talk.

still loading..

All of a sudden she bursts with life and activity, memory and programs…Her fans go wild... it's to late for antivirus protection now..

Still loading...

Just before she's ready we look right in to each other and she sings me a beautiful melodious welcome to windows song..

It’s too much…YESSS!!!... JAVA SCRIPT EVERYWHERE!!!

and then out of nowhere a Blue Screen flashes just before my eyes...

As soon I realized what happened I shut her down and acted like it never happen.

ahhhhhhh i think I've gone too far.

And that....is my friend Dan.

Bird Porn and Ralph.

When was the last time you trusted a person name Ralph?

Exactly.

Meet Ralph Waldo Emerson. He is today's person of the day ::cue confetti::. There were alot of people in the running this week, but when I discovered Ralph's unique opinion about the symbiotic bird/human relationship, I knew he had the talent necessary to pass go and collect $200. 

It's only natural that the relationship between human and avian mirror that of canine and ottoman." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever found that you have some of the same urges? If you answered yes, click here and don't say I never gave you anything. 

Side note: Yes it's a fetish, so don't click if you are not of age. There's alot of bad photoshop work of falcons in not so appropriate places. Or do click...whateves...

Wonder Weave Saves the Day.

One reason (the only good one) to stitch someonelse's hair to the back of your head.

VIA smartaches

When your "E" should an "A".

Somewhere in our lovely nation, a Burger King shut down for their lack of  "Meet." I was going to ask which one was more sad; the fact that a brand ran out of meat in 2009 or the fact that someone (probably a manager) could not spell the word meat?

But as I was typing...I realized the answer. 

VIA consumerist

Pantless in the City.

I didnt see any pantless people on the 10th. And I was out and about on the Subway. Did anyone expereince this epic and yet uselss stunt by Improve Everywhere. I hate that these things happen around me, and I dont see it.

VIA likecool

life lesson: This is why I decided not to be a Male Stipper.

*warning: if you are not comfortable in your sexuality, this might not be the video for you.

HA haaaaa....did you see that dude almost pass out after? I hope that dollar tip was worth it.

how to ruin a kids life 101.

Meet Adolf Hitler Campbell. He isn't the cutest kid in the world. Infact, he is down right frightening. But be is a baby...so you cant be mad at him for his name. However, you can be mad at is his parents. They named their other two kids JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.

It's Adlof's birthday today. He is turning 3. And like an white trash family, his parents went to ShopRite for his birthday cake. Unbeknown to them...they would not be leaving with a birthday cake. Because ShopRite refused to make a cake with the name Adolf Hitler on it. 

"We believe the request ... to inscribe a birthday wish to Adolf Hitler is inappropriate," said Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman.

Denied.

I always said that I would never give my kids ethnic names. I think it's a pleasant surprise when it comes to sending out your resume for a job (Tyler...Nathan...Peter...Jack...) and then showing up (gotcha b*tch). This is like 10 times worse. These parents deserve to catch a backhand to the face because this cake fiasco is only the beginning. How many schools do you think will willingly accept young Adolf and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation? How many holocaust history classes and black history months do you think these kids will get through without an ass whoppin? They might as well just lock the kid up for wife beating and tattoo swastikas on his chest now. It will save him some time and energy. They just ruined this kid's life before it even began.

F*ckin Pennsylvania.

VIA bossip

How Embarrassing.

I remember going to see the 2nd Harry Potter movie back in my undergrad days. It was a mere year after I discovered the true love of franchise that was sweeping the nation. It was a midnight showing and I was waiting in a theater filled with people dressed up like the characters for at least an hour before it started. I was forced to sit through a quiz, in which "prizes" were given away for in depth answers to silly Harry Potter themed questions. I recall one question in general: Name all the players of the Griffindore (spelling?) Quidditch team and their positions? A young lad rattled off the answer and won a scarf. 

Immediately realizing that this was the last Potter premier I would ever attend, I thought to myself: How f*ckin embarrassing for that dude. I would never feel that personal embarrassment. It is beyond my realm of cognition-impossible to fathom. That is until I found out that there currently is a Massachusetts Real Life Quidditch meet.

Upon watching the video filled with kids running around in the mud with brooms in between their legs, one thing became incredibly clear. All the kids in the video were from my Alma Mater.....

And I'm embarrassed for them...but more so for myself, for graduating from Boston University, the same school they attend.  

That is all. 

VIA geekologie

D.A.R.E. gone wrong.

I might send this to Plaxico's attorney. It could literally happen to anyone people...anyone! 

"I am the only one in this room, that I know of, professional enough to carry this glock(sp?) 40." 

Email to my CW:
-"That guy is all man."
-"Minus the smart part."
-"Intelligence doesn't make a man...a gun does."

-"And a beard. That's what he was missing." 
 

At first I thought he did it on purpose (syyyck!!!!), he is a f*ckin dumbass cop. So many dummies...not enough good ones. A loaded gun in a school...come on dude??? 

VIA elitaste

keepin it real: America is Not Racsist.

ever woke up with a burned cross in the yard? Strange stuff.

in a "harmonious and diverse" Long Island Community, you may or may not be one of thirty cars to have "kill Obama" spray painted on them. Ewww....the same thing happens in Hollywood. How lucky.

North Carolina State student shares on a university sharing wall. His shared thoughts just happen to racist and hateful. Slap on the hand, he must've wrote something racsist that wasn't all that bad.

How about some swastikas on your public sidewalk and walls in the morning. Your city budget for beautification must be substantial.

Racial slurs sometimes get spray painted on you home in Florida. Must be some type of initiation or something. 

Throwback...a letter from the KKK. Weird, I thought...

A University of Texas student writes, "all the hunters gather up, we have a nigger in the white house" as a facebook away message. But that's ok...it was a joke. A really funny joke.

Yes, racism is no longer a problem in America. Every American should keep telling themselves that. Skin color is no longer an issue. We jumped that hurtle years ago, and look...we even elected a mixed Presidential elect. By the way...do you know how to do the George Jefferson walk? 

Get real people.